


Broken: a Destiel fanfic

by before_the_fall



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Castiel and Dean Winchester Need to Use Their Words, Dean Can't Cope, Dean is a jerk, Emotionally Hurt Castiel, Emotionally Hurt Dean, Hurt Dean Winchester, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-27
Updated: 2017-03-27
Packaged: 2018-10-03 14:38:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,022
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10248956
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/before_the_fall/pseuds/before_the_fall
Summary: Im a shitty writer lmao sorry for the bad quality writing but it's my first fic and I'm inspired atm





	

**Author's Note:**

> Im a shitty writer lmao sorry for the bad quality writing but it's my first fic and I'm inspired atm

Dean tossed the empty bottle of booze onto the ground. The MOL bunker echoed with the sound of the bouncing bottle. 

Dean took the cap off of another drink and leaned back in the wooden chair of the library. The liquor ran smoothly across his tongue as he swished it before swallowing, the liquor leaving a burning sensation in the back of his throat. All alone with no distractions, he felt his mind slipping back to that night. 

***

"SAM!" Dean yelled out. Dean wondered how it had possibly come to this. They had found the case surfing through collections of online articles, assumed to be a routine hunt. Now, Dean and Cas were standing back to back, Sam at their feet, surrounded by at least a dozen werewolves in the middle of dense woods. 

"Cas, what the hell are we gonna do?" Dean said shakily, heart racing. Sam was lying on the ground unconscious, blood pouring from his temple. Dean hoped Sam would miraculously wake up and fight with them 

"I don't know..." 

Dean and Cas shifted in a tight circle, arms at the ready, anticipating an attack. 

***

"Dean." 

No response. Dean continued to stare forward, ignoring Cas's presence. 

"I'll be in my room if you need anything." Cas said. Having experienced this night many times before with Dean, instead of trying to help like he usually did, Cas decided to let him be. He thought back to nights where he carried Dean, so drunk he passed out, lightly to his bed and under the covers. He thought back to nights when Dean would violently burst in anger, attacking Cas. He thought back to nights when Dean would ask Cas for nothing more than to be held in his angelic embrace. Cas snapped back to the present. 

"A bottle of whiskey, since you're offering." Dean replied sarcastically. Cas paused for a moment, deciding whether to respond to Dean's snide comment or not.

He sighed at the realization it wouldn't be one of the better nights.

"Dean, I'm not-" 

"Forget it. Just leave." Dean said. He waved his hand at Cas and reached for the bottle of vodka by his feet. Cas's instinct to make Dean feel better kicked in, unable to fight it. 

"Are you sure you're goi-"

"Unless you're getting me a drink, leave me alone." He said gravely. He took a big gulp from the bottle. He hated pushing Cas away, and he didn't want to feel lonely, but he couldn't look at Cas without seeing... him. 

"Dean, you should really get some sleep it's getti-"

"GOD DAMN IT CAS I SAID LEAVE!" Dean screamed, throwing the bottle at the wall near Cas. It shattered and the alcohol splattered on the wall. The bottle flew by him, and the sharp sound it made when it broke hurt Cas's ears. Yet he stood still, expressionless. It wasn't the first time Dean had thrown a bottle his way. Cas stared at Dean for a few moments, noticing he was starting to cry. Cas stared in regret and failure, he felt useless watching Dean hurt so much. He left the scattered shards on the ground and went to his room. 

Even from the other side of the bunker Dean's agonizing screams reached Cas, along with the snapping of wood. He was breaking chairs. The screams reminded Cas of the same ones he heard from Hell, when he rescued Dean from Alastair. Yet, somehow they were worse. Painful, inaudible words that shook Cas to his soul. The bunker felt even more empty than it already was, every noise echoed down every hall. Dean's outrage kept up for half an hour or so, and then silence. Cas worried for a moment that Dean might've hurt himself, but then he heard sobbing and the clanking of bottles. Cas laughed at himself for being relieved by that. 

Throughout the night he would hear things like "You did this!" or "How could you?" as Dean drank himself away. To make him feel worse, Dean prayed to Cas begging for death. Repeatedly Dean would utter the words "I want you to kill me," in his mind. Cas knew that Dean didn't mean it, he was angry and drunk, but he couldn't help but feel guilty. Dean was his responsibility. 

There came a breaking point where Cas couldn't bear it any longer. He tried to console him but soon gave up, Dean lost in his own miserable thoughts. Cas also made attempts to block him out, but he always let him back in. It was Dean, after all. However, Cas knew that the Dean he knew... was gone. 

Dean drank for another few hours, wandering around the bunker and garage, toying with random things to distract himself. He fought off waves of depression as they came, resolving them with liquor. 

***

The first one attacked Cas straight on in a vicious manner, and Cas stabbed him through the chest with his angel blade. Blood gushed out from the now-limp body and onto his arms, staining his trenchcoat. After throwing the body to the side, the others joined in. Dean and Cas fought off furious slashes of claws and teeth, acquiring deep cuts in the process. A few singled out Dean and threw him against a tree. He landed with a thud, groaning as he struggled to recover. Dean, becoming increasingly weary, struggled to hold his own against the monsters. 

Cas managed to fight them off until the last few ran away. Leaving Sam, Cas ran to Dean's aid. They were exhausted, drenched in blood, and they had actually succeeded in saving each other, and Sam too. Cas cupped Dean's cheek in his hand, and told him to close his eyes. 

"No, Cas. Not me." Dean said.

*** 

Dean twisted the cap back and forth with his thumb, staring into space as he remembered. He was sitting in the Impala, not driving or even starting the engine, just sitting. He took a swig and placed the bottle back in his lap. He didn't want to think, he didn't want to feel, or even be on this Earth. He blinked away a tear and let it slowly fall down his face. He asked himself constantly why his life had to be this way. Why everyone had to be taken from him, like petals breaking off of a dying flower. His mouth started to quiver as he felt more tears coming, holding back sobs in his throat.

***

"Sammy, wake up." Dean said, lightly slapping his brother's cheek. 

"Dean, let me heal you." Cas pleaded. 

"No. Heal him first, he needs it more." Dean said, keeping his gaze on Sam.

"Dean I-" 

"Cas just heal him!" 

Dean was kneeling over his brother, mumbling under his breath. Cas lightly cupped his hand over Sam's forehead, and a blinding light emitted from underneath. 

Dean shielded his eyes, and when the glow faded he looked back at his brother, and then to Cas. 

"Why isn't he waking up?" Dean asked, shocked that there was no change in Sam.

Cas couldn't talk, his energy fading. He could barely stay upright on his knees. Almost silent words and noises rolled off of Cas's tongue, but Dean lost them in the wind.

"Cas!" Dean was worried now, not only for his brother. Eyes wide with diminishing hope, Dean searched Cas's face for an answer. 

"I-I-I'm sorry Dean." Cas whispered, before falling over on his side, completely spent. 

Dean rose from his knees and rushed to his side, shaking Cas's shoulder.

"CAS? C-Cas??? Cas, c'mon, not you too. Wake up! What do you mean you're sorry?! ...CAS!" 

Dean glanced at his brother and back to Cas, and he felt a twinge in his gut.m, they were both helpless. 

He hoped... he knew, they were going to be ok. They always would be whenever something like this happened . Cas would get his mojo back and then Sam would be back too, Dean reassured himself.

***

The morning light shone through the garage windows, waking Dean up after fallling asleep in the Impala. He started to lift his head off of the headrest but a terrible ache in his head stopped him. Every part of his body was telling him 'no'.

Dean walked into the kitchen some hours later, pain temporarily dulled, searching for some hangover remedies.

"Dean? Is that you?" Cas said. Dean hadn't noticed him sitting at the table, he looked like he fell asleep there. Cas lifted his head up off of his arms and rubbed his eyes, while Dean scavenged the fridge for food. Dean wore a flannel and a dark, olive green shirt, along with his typical jeans, Cas recognized it as the outfit he picked out for him three days ago.

"Please tell me we have something in here!" Dean said, irritated. He slammed the fridge door hard, causing something inside to clank with other objects. Cas was still watching Dean, judging whether or not Dean was going to be okay today. It was always a cycle with him now, drifting between sadness, anger, and a period of time Cas called 'the plateau'. Dean would suddenly flatten out from his decline of despair. It would only last a few days and even though he wasn't happy, he at least wasn't terribly depressed. 

"Did you sleep okay?" Cas asked. 

"Like a baby." Dean replied sarcastically. Dean would typically avoid answering Cas seriously in any way, it was too awkward if he didn't. He felt weird about Cas caring so much about him, yet he enjoyed it at the same time. 

"That's... that's good." 

"Yeah. Do you know if there's anything to eat here?" Dean said as he sifted through the cabinets, looking for anything he could devour. 

"Nothing appetizing." 

"Fuck." Dean grunted. He gave up looking for food and sat down at the table, across from Cas. He felt uneasy, but he pushed those feelings aside, regretting how he acted the nights before towards Cas. 

"Do you want to go out and get something?" Cas said.

Dean forced himself to not be angry as his eyes met Cas's. Either way he didn't have enough energy to be angry. 

"No thanks buddy." Dean refused, tapping his fingers on the table, passing the time as Cas stared at him.

"Dean. You should go outside an-" 

Dean cut him off with a shake of his head, lightly laughing as he closed his eyes. He brought his hand up and covered the lower half of his face, pulling down slowly on his cheeks, opening his eyes wide. He was tired, but also getting slightly irritated with Cas. 

"Go outside and do what?" Dean questioned. 

***

Dean held a crappy cup of coffee in both of his hands in the corner of the hospital room. He hadn't bothered to pay much attention to the room when he first got there, but now the sun began to rise and its rays filled the room. Across the room there was a small counter with a sink in the middle, next to it a dry erase board that had scribbles on it, too far away for him to see. Next to Dean there were two other chairs and another small glass table, magazines splayed out over it. In between the far end of the room and the tables were obnoxious machines and wires, and the two most important people in the world to him. They lied on the beds in front of him, motionless. Dean had his arms resting on the table, sitting on a sunken in chair. 

He was so exhausted he could barely think, and he almost dozed off, but the sound of the beeping machines brought him back. Dean refused to sleep or let the nurses tend to his injuries without knowing his best friend and brother would be alright. It had only been a day since the hunt, yet his brother remained unconscious, even after the emergency surgery, and Cas could barely function. They were his entire life now, and he had nothing without them.

Dean ran through the unexpected series of events from the night over and over in his head. He played out a multitude of "If I had done this instead, then..." scenarios, blaming himself for not preventing the outcome. 

***

"I don't know. Something, at least." Cas tried. But Dean shook his head again at him. 

"Well that sounds interesting." Dean said as he ran his hands through his hair.

"Dean, please. I know it's hard but-" 

"What do you want from me, Cas?" 

"To go outside and do SOMETHING instead of wasting away in here! You're just living off of liquor and whatever damn snack you can find." Cas said.

"I seem to remember you were the one saying you were afraid for my 'well-being' if I went back out there. Said you would be worried I would drive myself off a bridge." Dean argued.

"That's only because you keep saying-"

"I KNOW WHAT I'VE SAID." Dean said with his voiced raised, but not angrily. He couldn't deny the fact that he said those things to Cas, but he hated that he did. After he sobered up the next day, he regretted anything and everything from the night before, especially hurting the one person left that cared about him, Cas. 

"Down here in the bunker, this isn't living." Cas said. 

Dean took a moment and thought about the words that just came out of Cas's mouth.

"This isn't living." Dean repeated. "This isn't... living." 

"Dean I only mea-" 

"I know what you meant, and you're right Cas. This isn't living. This... this-this is just surviving." 

"Then fix it, Dean. Let me help you." Cas said. Dean looked up at him, tears welling in his eyes. 

"I can't let you do that." Dean said. Dozens of people flashed before his eyes, Sam included... all of them were dead because of him. 

"Everyone that I care about gets hurt Cas." Dean said, letting the tears fall slowly, his face unchanging. "And I'm not about to let you be one of them. I'll be damned if I have to watch you die too." 

"I've been here for you Dean, and I always will be." 

***

The Doctor had come by earlier in the morning. He was a tall, light skinned man. The long white coat he wore accented his features nicely, including his eyes. His eyes reminded Dean's of Cas's, only not as blue. He had shown Dean a clipboard full of random charts, numbers, and words Dean couldn't comprehend. 

"What does all this mean?" Dean asked.

"Well, for the moment..." The Doctor paused to look at one of the pages attached to the clipboard. "Cas Winchester... will make a full recovery. His vitals are returning to normal, but we still don't know what caused his body to fail on itself." 

Dean knew why. He didn't tell the nurses or doctor what happened to either of them though. Cas had just worked himself too hard, he was beat up and had tried to use his remaining grace. Sam was attacked first by the werewolves, one had jumped out from behind a tree and left a gash in his head. Something so careless and simple, could do all of this. 

The doctor tried to push Dean for answers. 

"If you could just tell us what-" 

"I told you I don't know what happened. What about him?" Dean said as he angled his neck to look at Sam. 

"Ah. Sam Winchester..." The doctor flipped a few sheets. "From the MRI scan we could see tha-"

"Get to the point, is he gonna be ok or not?"

"I'm sorry to tell you this, but the laceration to his frontal lobe was very severe, and deep. His brain is still continuing its normal metabolic and involuntary functions, but he won't wake up."

Dean struggled to believe what he was hearing. He tried to convince the doctor he was wrong.

"What do you mean he's not going to wake up? You went and did the procedure to-" 

"I understand, but that was only to prevent further damage to the brain. It was miraculous that he survived that long without treatment, and if we let any more swelling or clotting to occur, he would've died. And there was another impact to his head, from what we can only assume was from falling on a hard object." The doctor confirmed. He was gentle with his words, but also blunt.

"But what you're saying now, is that he's brain dead?" Dean asked disbelievingly. Sammy had been through this before, but Gadreel was in him then, healing his body.

"Yes. I'm very sorry." 

Dean turned to his brother as the doctor left, moving over to his bedside. The rush of emotions and memories came to him all too fast. Sammy had been in a room like this before in the exact same circumstances, except it was years ago.

***

Dean sat on the kitchen floor, back against the wall. He was unnecessarily leaning his shoulder on Cas for 'support'. 

Cas handed the beer back to Dean after taking a swig, and Dean took a sip. 

"You're not worried im gonna be drunk off my ass are you?" Dean asked rhetorically. Cas laughed under his breath, but he knew that Dean wouldn't. 

Dean thought about Sam and how terribly he missed him. 

"It still hurts Cas." Dean said, staring into space. He extended his legs out so that they were flat on the ground. Dean hadn't realized how similar the length of his lower body was compared to Cas, he always thought of him as smaller. 

"I know." Cas said, turning his head to look at down at Dean, who was almost lying down now.

***

Sam never woke up again. After only a few days in the hospital, no indication of regaining consciousness, Dean decided to pull the plug. Sam and him had agreed to situations like this, and they both promised each other to let one another go. 

Deep down Dean knew Sam would be better off in Heaven, but that didn't make it any easier to do it, or easier to not tell Cas. 

***

**Author's Note:**

> Its about to get real sad btw


End file.
